What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 21:27
I was 9 years of age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Who then, do I blame.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was scared of men, in general
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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Why did i forgive my father ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why do almost all vertebrates have tails, but not apes and frogs?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it wasn’t much.
What is it like to be the slave in a mistress-slave relationship?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I want to have anal sex, but my wife refuses. What do I do?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im still living with it.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I waited trembling.
So whats the point in blame.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She married twice! .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i lived it daily.
I have no regrets .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
What did i know ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It was going to be , some day.
She loved him until the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was in good health!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
All the time i was locked up.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But, we were locked up after school.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My life is so biszare .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I will be 64.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Would this be the day?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ive learnt so much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She wouldn,t have been !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I could never make a relationship work though!
When she asked me how she looked .
This is soul school!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I write beautiful poetry .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I never cut or harmed myself..
My family never makes their pension either.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were not on the streets..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So, i spoilt her more .
I said to her
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was seconnd youngest,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot live in the past .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Comes on , in middle age.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!